One of the best things about being single is flirting with multiple guys at the same time. Currently it's between Lou and John. It's interesting with them both.. because my conversations with Lou go something like "let's fuck hardcore" ... or something about the past with us and just bickering like an old married couple. or him trying to pressure me into doing things that i don't feel comfortable doing like staying at his house for the weekend and telling my parents I'm in Oswego. Then there's John, his conversations go something like "you're so pretty, I miss you, and lots of :) faces" .. or he asks me questions to get to know me like favorites and such, or he talks about cancer and pisces compatibility lol.
Both very different guys, but some similarities. They both come off as "bad boys" and neither go to school (figures), but both work. One is a Gemini, greek "man", and one is a cancer (much better), "punk-ish" kind of kid. They both try to get me to break rules and sneak off with them, but John respects me (as he says "you're so reliable, that's so hot"), and Lou just fights with me and is annoying when I don't succumb to his "demands".
It's refreshing to talk to both of them, and hangout with them, but it's a lot of work because they demand so much of my attention and time...and they also both choose to have major conversations after 1am, which means that i'm never going to get to bed.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Alexander Ebert sings what's inside my soul.
I love him. His song Glimpses is amazing, and I wish it was written before this year, but I'm just thankful I've come across it.
"Now if we find peace
Oh let it stay
Let it last beyond the day
I've had glimpses of our tomorrow
But Lord if I didn't I'd kill myself today."
"Now if we find peace
Oh let it stay
Let it last beyond the day
I've had glimpses of our tomorrow
But Lord if I didn't I'd kill myself today."
Monday, June 6, 2011
Free
I'm free... from myself. I'm free from my depression, thoughts of harming myself. I'm even brave enough to take the elastic bands off of my wrist. I know this may last only a few years, months, weeks, days, or only until tomorrow, but I feel great. I haven't felt this way in so long, and it just goes to show that I don't need a man or anyone else to validate me. Things will happen when they will, but for now I kind of just want to run on my roof and scream happy things.
late night poetry therapy
Last night I couldn't sleep, because my mind wouldn't shut up.... so I got some writing done. It's amazing how therapeutic writing can be, when I just let it flow and quit stressing about every syllable or alliteration.
Your idle lingering
Had left me enticed by
The dark side of the horizon;
I built myself a cave
Beneath the moon,
And iridescent stars,
Where in razor blade blood
I could always trace back the trail
To where you are;
Always too far.
Stoplights were all shades of gray,
And the sun that rose
Never shined or stayed.
Flowers wilted in my tender hands,
And home became a word with no
Meaning, the deeper I traveled
In my foreign land.
Your eyes were like vacant shop windows,
Ebony, with gray prison bars running through.
Eventually you fled, like birds in February,
And my heart began to grow askew.
And for the two years that followed,
My face fell each time I saw a woman with reckless curls,
For none of them were you.
I watched my soul divide,
As my bruises began to multiply.
I blackened the mirrors, to avoid my reflection,
And begged for you, my maker, to show me affection.
In the perilous silence, your voice
Ruptured the walls of my mind.
I numbed my sanity, and blamed myself
For being young and blind.
Still bounded by your memories,
My scars still burn when they hear your name.
But the spool of time isn’t one we can rewind,
So instead, I’m barefoot, shooting dandelion seeds
Up, into the porcelain painted sky.
Your idle lingering
Had left me enticed by
The dark side of the horizon;
I built myself a cave
Beneath the moon,
And iridescent stars,
Where in razor blade blood
I could always trace back the trail
To where you are;
Always too far.
Stoplights were all shades of gray,
And the sun that rose
Never shined or stayed.
Flowers wilted in my tender hands,
And home became a word with no
Meaning, the deeper I traveled
In my foreign land.
Your eyes were like vacant shop windows,
Ebony, with gray prison bars running through.
Eventually you fled, like birds in February,
And my heart began to grow askew.
And for the two years that followed,
My face fell each time I saw a woman with reckless curls,
For none of them were you.
I watched my soul divide,
As my bruises began to multiply.
I blackened the mirrors, to avoid my reflection,
And begged for you, my maker, to show me affection.
In the perilous silence, your voice
Ruptured the walls of my mind.
I numbed my sanity, and blamed myself
For being young and blind.
Still bounded by your memories,
My scars still burn when they hear your name.
But the spool of time isn’t one we can rewind,
So instead, I’m barefoot, shooting dandelion seeds
Up, into the porcelain painted sky.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Answers
How do we know if any of the decisions we're making are the right ones? For so long I've been quiet and idle, and let people suck the juice from my soul, but that's over. I'm sick of being the last one to love myself, because in the end no one really does, since I don't- or didn't. But now I'm learning, and making appropriate changes.
This is where the confusion sets in. I just ended things with my fuck buddy, I've been ignoring my mom for two weeks, detaching myself from certain friends, and mentally ending things with all of the "randoms" that I've been talking to recently. Because I deserve to feel special, and associate my heart with only those who choose to value me. I don't want to be part of a guy's games, I don't want to only be fucked in the backseat of a beamer, I don't want to try so hard to keep in touch with unreliable friends, I don't want to sit across from my mother over sushi, listening to her rant on about how she has never neglected me.
I know that often times when people detach themselves from others, it's because they are empty, depressed, etc. ... which is why I baffle myself. I truly believe I'm doing this out of love for myself for once, but how am I supposed to know if that's correct, or even the truth? I refuse to live inside the cycles of my mind, I want to break them down, so I can begin to flow; flow down the river that I had always envisioned going down; a scenic route of life- full of tiger lily roads, love, opportunities, and where I can't see a single razor blade for miles.
This is where the confusion sets in. I just ended things with my fuck buddy, I've been ignoring my mom for two weeks, detaching myself from certain friends, and mentally ending things with all of the "randoms" that I've been talking to recently. Because I deserve to feel special, and associate my heart with only those who choose to value me. I don't want to be part of a guy's games, I don't want to only be fucked in the backseat of a beamer, I don't want to try so hard to keep in touch with unreliable friends, I don't want to sit across from my mother over sushi, listening to her rant on about how she has never neglected me.
I know that often times when people detach themselves from others, it's because they are empty, depressed, etc. ... which is why I baffle myself. I truly believe I'm doing this out of love for myself for once, but how am I supposed to know if that's correct, or even the truth? I refuse to live inside the cycles of my mind, I want to break them down, so I can begin to flow; flow down the river that I had always envisioned going down; a scenic route of life- full of tiger lily roads, love, opportunities, and where I can't see a single razor blade for miles.
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