The way that I use men scares me.

I am still physical with Lou even though I don't have a shred of emotional affection for him, I'm planning my next hookup with Kyle (with no emotion involved there either), I'm not really into Chris, yet I'm just willing to still talk to (or date) him simply because of his flawless looks. I'm still talking to John because sometimes I need an emotional/romantic conversation, but I see us going absolutely nowhere and I'm officially uninterested. I know that I've been told by numerous people (including my mom) that it's normal to date around when single, and even sleep around and just have fun. I'm clearly not opposed to that, but today at work I was talking to this woman that I work with (Lorraine), and although she's 50 and in a very different place in her life than I am now, she was just confused by this arrangement I have. She made some good points, asking questions like "why are you sexual with someone that you have lost all feelings for?", and "why do you do this to yourself- why don't you value yourself?... because you deserve to". And I had no answer, because I completely agree with her. This whole summer has been about me being wild, doing me emotionally while doing others physically, and possibly contributing to these dangerous tendencies to use and dispose of men, and never really give myself a chance to know them any other way. I think it's fine at 20, but what if I still have this mentality at 40, 50, 60? What if I never make my transition... I'm not lonely now, but who's to say I wouldn't be lonely in 25 years if this keeps up?

Lorraine then told me the story about how she met her husband. She said she was about 26, 27, something like that, and she got dragged to a bar by her friend who needed her to play wing-girl. The man approached her, and it turns out he was dragged by his friend who was using him as an excuse to tell his wife in order for him to cheat; so Lorraine and Tom talked, but Lorraine kind of blew him off and even asked for her number back from him; she then finds out from her sister in law (she knew him), that he's the sweetest guy and Lorraine had really fucked up. He then went into the bank that she worked at a few times without asking her out, and finally the third time he asked her out, and they went out. And again, and again. And that third time that they went out, he had proposed. She said that she was always known as being the extremely independent one, who didn't even know if marriage was in the cards for her. This really got me thinking, and kind of optimistically. I don't know if marriage is in my cards, hell, I don't even want a relationship, but I just want to know that there's a little glimmer of hope that I will find one of my soulmates. Someone who just molds with my soul and that can spend their lives with me and grow old. I have such a hard time believing I'll ever find someone, because of my strong fear of intimacy, my lack of self worth, and the fact that there really are no "good guys" out there, the romantic, handsome, responsible, loyal, noble ones.

I refuse to look. I never saw the point in that. I'm content right now just living for me, laughing with friends, taking personal days to watch too much bad tv, or try to clear my mind with a nice walk. I'm fine with being my own Valentine, and attempting to explain to acquaintances or relatives that I'm single, dating and just "seeing who's out there". I just want a sign that one day I'll be at the deli and our bags will get switched by mistake, or I'll fight over the last copy of Chuck Palahniuk's new novel at Barnes and Noble with him, and he'll only let me have it if I give him a chance. Is that so much to ask?

and the men continue...

So i just hungout with the 4th guy in the past week. And, it was Kyle... the kid I lost my virginity to. I got home almost an hour ago, and my heart is still beating too fast. I can't believe I saw him, it's been two years, but it's like our lips had never parted. I almost had sex with him, but I controlled myself, because I've been so good with staying celibate. I'm not being celibate just to restrain from the actual act of sex, but just because I think it's helping to promote more self worth. If I stand my ground, and don't let guys think I'm just an object then it'll make me want to treat myself better. I think it's working; last night when I saw Lou he actually took me to the movies, paid, and it was the first time we hungout and didn't have sex. It is kind of annoying though, because I told myself that this summer was about ME and that I wasn't even going to concern myself with guys, and just do ME... you know.. stay on the right track and such. But I guess I am... I haven't cut in a over three months, and I'm staying zen and letting the negativity flow out of me when it comes. And I'm getting another tattoo on Tuesday... I would've gotten it yesterday, but she's always so in demand. I'm excited though. I still get urges, and I still get dark, but for once I'm following my own advice, and taking life one day, hour, minute and breath at a time.

fear.

i'm scared that i won't be able to keep this up... this sanity, this stability, these healthy ways of coping. it's been three months since i've cut... and i've only had a handful of urges, but i'm just scared that it won't last. i'm scared that my moods will always be all over the place, and that it will affect my relationships for my entire life. i'm scared that my "independence" will just evolve into loneliness, and i'm not prepared to live a life like that. i hope that things just fall into place as i grow older, but i fear that they won't. i know that i cannot let these fears dictate my thoughts and actions, but i just have to get them out before they completely plague my mind.

HOT GUY!

okay don't judge me but i'm going to rant about the hot guy i met tonight. so i went to my best friends' boyfriends' house, and it was me, her, him and his best friend. he is so hot; he's a lifeguard, so nicki's seen him shirtless and said that she's only seen a body like that on TV. so yeah, he's fine. at first he wasn't really saying much so i'm like great, typical hot guy with nothing going on in his mind, or he's a douche. but as the night went on he started to strike up more conversation, and we really had fun. but of course i left not thinking anything; nicki would go "isn't he so hot?" and i'd like "yeah, he's good looking". Sidebar: as strange as it is, (not that I have a type), but typical preppy-ish "HOT" guy, is definitely not my type. but anyways, so we get back to nicki's house and her boyfriend says "chris had a lot of fun, and thinks mel is really hot, what does she think about him?"

OMGGGGGGGGGG. i played it cool with nicki i was like, "awww that's nice", but inside i was like "NQEUWUSDABSAUUWUBAUNAUBA"!!! and then she asked if he wanted my number and he said "is that even a question?" ... and now we're talking =D AHHH!!! i know it's gonna go nowhere, but i had to be a 13 year old and document this monumental night in my diary <3. he is a Cancer though, so that is promising =P

goodnight, and happy bday, USA =)