Me, Myself and I

For someone who's not alone, I'm so lonely. All the time. I guess I do it to myself; people are constantly fighting for my attention, and my time, but when they turn around I sneak off, and I don't want to be found. I'm constantly contradicting myself; I want to be held, loved, appreciated... but at the same time, I shy away from commitment, people coming too close, and verbal declarations of sexual urges with my "lovers". Where did this come from? It's things like this that terrify me that I'll turn into my mom.

I'm trying to study, but I can't stop crying. Well, trying to cry, but my roommate is two feet away, laughing. I'm so awkward... and I don't have to be. I feel like if I just followed the arrows that my life has provided for me, I'd be solid. My parents live comfortably, I'm considered a happy and social person, I get good grades, I receive male attention; but it's never that simple. Not when you factor in all of the thoughts in my head, the confusions about who I am, and why I'm so sad all the time. Does clinical depression exist? I don't think even I'm creative enough to imagine this.

When I was 13, I thought I cut just because of my mom. I thought I got sad the few years after, because I was in high school; we're all supposed to either be sad or angry, right? But then I got to college, and had thoughts I've never had before. They stopped thank goodness, but here I am now. 20. Not where I thought I would be. I'm guarded, crying, resisting destructive urges, and making life a lot harder than it has to be for myself.

I wish I could stop it all. But this will never end, not until I know the answers. Who am I? Where am I going? I can't be the only one who feels this way...